Jesus Rebranded

Jesus Rebranded

[sales-y voice over announcer]

Don't know what to get for this year's War on Christmas?

Tired of those Marxists pushing their anti-Capitalist ideology?

Well you can thank God because "Jesus Rebranded" is on sale now!

Help put the Capitalism back in "Christmas!"

Push his sacred heart and hear what the new, re-branded Jesus has to say!

[Jesus]

Capitalism is the reason for the season!

You can serve both God and money.  Go forth and profit!

Go, sell your possessions, and use the money to . . . start a growing, profitable business!  Come, follow me.

The love of money is at the root of all . . . successful entrepreneurs!

If they're hungry, sell them something to eat.  

Thirsty?  Sell them something to drink.

Sick and in prison?  Privatize 'em!

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to . . . catch a break under Obama!

Blessed are you who are . . . rich!  For yours is the kingdom of heaven!  (We don't call it a kingdom for nothing.)

Yea, do unto others . . . as you want to do unto them!

Verily, the first shall be first and the last, last.  Why do you think they're called first and last?

[sales-y voice over announcer]

"Jesus Rebranded!"  As seen on cable news and talk radio outlets nationwide!

Putting the Capitalism back in "Christmas!"

[Jesus]

It's the reason for the season!

[sales-y voice over announcer]

"Jesus Rebranded" available at a Glorious Capitalist Retail outlet near you, created by Archangel Saint Adam Smith, buy yours today!